Ruminations on 'the Decider'

Last week when defending Defense Secretary Don Rumsfeld, President Bush established that the buck stopped with him saying, "I'm the decider. I decide what's best." Indeed, as President Bush is the Commander in Chief this is absolutely the case. What, perhaps President Bush did not expect, was the follow-up article this week in the NYT proclaiming that Bush had unwittingly launched a new term in the Dictionary of Relationships.

Accordingly, the Times took great pains to talk with random couples about who was the 'decider' in their relationship. As these conversations generally took place in lower Manhattan, the couples interviewed had some pretty amusing things to say. For instance, one couple said,

For us, marriage is more a finesse game than a power game. It requires 'the suggester' and 'the discusser' as much as it does 'the decider.'

And that they,

"Defer to each other's core competencies."

Besides the fact that,

"We agree on so many things."

Contrary the Times spin on the term, what makes the article amusing, at least to me, is the relationship dynamic the article attempts to create. In so many ways, it is completely devoid of reality.

I will grant that relationships are about compromise. But that still does not avoid the fact that on another level, people are people and sometimes there are disagreements on the best course. In those instances, someone has to be the decider in the relationship. A couple can choose to 'defer to each other's competencies' (sounds a little touchy-feely to me but whatever works) or maybe they even agree on most things but what happens when the hand is forced and someone has to makes he call?

In this instance, I believe the questions to ask are presumably the same questions one would explore from the outset of a relationship. What really matters most in life? What is the purpose of the relationship? How does the decision fit into the things that matter most to us as a couple? What are the rationales behind respective points of view? To what extent are you willing to sacrifice and support your potential mate? And is your significant other up for making the same commitment? Like I've written before, at the end of the day, I believe the answers to these questions for most men and women aren't too far off but in the end someone has to make the call. Both want someone to love them. Both want unconditional acceptance. Both want security, and most would like to share a set of common values. But none of these should come at the expense of being in a relationship where a couple passively refuses to make a decision and always defers to each other. This is as counter productive as both sides filibustering each other in their respective positions.

It may seem callous, but it's reality. Someone has to make a decision. It may be fun for the media to lampoon Bush, but he's right. The buck always stops somewhere and that person with whom it stops is the decider.